Daily Meditations
J. N. N. Ng’ang’a Meditations - What is a Christian marriage? (Part 3) - April 15th-21st 2013
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Past meditations: www.johnnganga.org
J. N. N. Ng’ang’a Meditations - What is a Christian marriage? (Part 3) - April 15th-21st 2013
Day 1
Malachi 2
15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
We continue to define what a Christian marriage is. Next the two must be one in spirit.
Man is a trinity, just like God. Man is mind, body and spirit. So it means that when the two shall become one, it means their mind, body and spirit will become one. That is why it is not a very good thing when you find you do not have a common church and pastor. The wife is going to Presbyterian, the husband is going to Pentecostal, you come home and you cannot be one in spirit. The intention of God is that the two shall become one including spiritually.
That way you are able to pray together, and, you are able to seek God together. That is a Christian marriage. So, an ideal Christian marriage, both of them must be saved. You know sometimes you tell young people, do not marry a Non-Christian girl. He says, but even my father is saved and my mother is not saved. Normally it is the vice-versa. I say, that is not an ideal Christian marriage. In an ideal Christian marriage, both of them must seek God together. If you are not prayer partners; you are still a marriage, but you are not in an ideal Christian marriage. You are supposed to be able to cry to God together, sharing with one another not just emotions but spiritually.
So when you have a marriage where people are not praying together, it is still a marriage but it is not a Christian marriage because in a Christian marriage a man and a woman become one spiritually. If you are not, yet one spiritually there is a problem.
Day 2
Mark 10
7 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.”[c] So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
In a Christian marriage the two have a covenant, not a contract.
So far, we have seen in a Christian marriage, they are one in mind, they are one in body, and one in spirit. However, in a Christian marriage also, they have a covenant, not a contract. A Christian marriage is a covenant not a contract. In business what we enter into with our contractor’s is a contract. A contract always has an escape clause. It is not a contract if there is no termination or escape clause.
Therefore, a marriage is not a contract. You do not have a marriage contract, you have a marriage covenant because in a marriage we learnt earlier we are together until death do us part. There is no escape clause. You are supposed to be together for life. If you actually have a just a marriage contract, a piece of paper, what you are having is not a Christian marriage, it is a legal marriage. It is recognized by the Attorney General but it is not willing to fulfill the demands of heaven. The one heaven recognizes is not a contract it is a covenant.
In addition, several other things differentiate a covenant and a contract. In a contract, there are benefits for each party listed. Unless you actually do your part to give the other party their benefits, the other party is allowed to dissolve the contract. Thirdly, if it is a contract, it does not cover every area of your life. It has a scope with limits. Therefore, I might be offering you petrol but I am not offering you bananas. Petrol you must buy from me, bananas you can buy from anywhere else. Nevertheless, a covenant bringing the two together covers every area. It does not have a limitation. It is continuous, until death do us part. Also, it is not based on certain terms, if you do this, I do this. When you enter into a covenant, it means that whatever you offer, you offer irrespective of what fail’s to be offered. You know some people think marriage is fifty, fifty relationship. That is not a Christian marriage. In a Christian marriage, each person gives a hundred percent. It means that marriage can last even when the other person is giving nothing.
Once you are one, it just means that you are one irrespective of what happens. I am really trying to draw you to understand there isn’t anything your wife can do to justify you to leave her, because it is a covenant, it is not a contract. In a covenant, even adultery can be forgiven.
Let us now look at Malachi 2:
13 Another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favour on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
16 ‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’[e] says the Lord Almighty.
So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
The Lord is part of the marriage covenant for marriage is covenant between three. He acts as the witness between you and the wife of your youth. That one tells you Christian marriage is very strange. You know in a normal contract there is an offer and a receiver. In a marriage covenant there is a third party. That means when Rebecca and John, came together, we were not just two of us. God is saying, the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth.
A Christian marriage is not trade .
A wife must never be regarded as property to be paid for. She is person who freely enters into covenant with you . In other words when you made a covenant with your wife, God was the third party that was part of that covenant. That tells you that although you can mistreat your wife, but God witnesses and intervenes to hold you accountable. That is why you need to understand the difference between a Kikuyu marriage and a Christian marriage. The two are so different that you have to make up your mind; is it a Christian marriage or is it a Kikuyu marriage you are in? In a Kikuyu marriage, you paid goats to purchase your wife; when you disagree with her behavior, you return her to her parents and the goats too.
Christian marriage is different. It has nothing to do with goats that you pay. That is why when I see people of my generation ‘sell’ daughters I am in utter shock. I hear some saying, ‘you cannot take my daughter unless you give me a million shillings. I paid a lot of money to educate her’. But, wait a minute! For the simple reason you did all of that, you now want to be refunded? Did you want you daughter to have a Christian marriage or a Kikuyu marriage? In a Christian marriage, your children are not up for sale. You cannot sell them. In a Kikuyu marriage, when you go for dowry negotiations, they actually state the price of their daughter. That is not an ideal Christian marriage. I cannot expect a Christian man to sell his daughter. Moreover, the Bible does not support you on this anywhere. I know you like to quote the case of Isaac’s wife Rebecca and the fact that the servant of Abraham gave money to Rebecca’s family.
However, before concluding that Rebecca was bought, go back to Genesis chapter twenty-four. Did the father of Rebecca ask Eleazar for any money? He gave a gift, not payment. In a Kikuyu marriage; you have to pay, in a Christian marriage, you can give nothing or give a gift that is never requested from you. There is no condition put to the husband to be, that, ‘unless you pay half a million shillings you will not take my daughter as a wife’. No! In Christian marriage dowry is irrelevant. I am not suggesting it is a sin to give gifts, I am only saying you should not buy a wife. Because once you buy the wife, as soon as she doesn’t do what she is supposed to do you do not get a refund. When you buy a car, it must work and even it fails within the guarantee period you can return it and get your refund or a new car. In the same way when you buy a wife, if she doesn’t produce what you bought her for, traditionally, you are allowed to send her back to her father and get a refund.
Day 3
Malachi 2:15,
15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth
A Christian marriage is a permanent union
Mark 10:9 Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.
In other words, there is no one who can separate the two of you. That is what the verse is saying. Let no man separate. Only death can separate. The pastor can join but the pastor cannot separate... Unless he, wants to have a new title called “Mr. Death” or “Pastor Death”. It is important to understand it is a permanent union. Divorce is not God’s choice, for he wanted it as a permanent union. That is the message of Corinthians 7:39.
A Christian marriage, is not a contract, but a covenant that is permanent, where the Lord is a part of it confirming that he has made a commitment to the girl for life. Joseph the husband of Mary; the mother of Jesus, is a very good example of this kind of commitment. He had already promised to marry her although the wedding had not taken place. As soon as she looked pregnant, what does the Bible say was his reaction? Just read Matthew and get the story. It says, Joseph was afraid to divorce her. Remember she was not married, but once he made the promise, his faith did not allow him to run away. Note Malachi 2:15. Here the Bible says it is God that made you one; not your pastor. And he made them one in flesh and in Spirit. This is what we were discussing earlier? That Christian marriage is not just the body joining another body in sex; it is the spirit becoming one. That is what Malachi is actually saying.
In addition, why make the two one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So do not say, “but I have been with her for thirty years, I will dump her and get a younger one.” The scripture is saying, no, you stay with the wife of your youth. I know she may be minus some teeth by now, but even if she is teeth less, she is still yours. God is saying, I saw you take her when she had a full denture. You stay with the wife of your youth until death. Yes; marriage is not a contract, it is a covenant. A contract you can dissolve, a covenant is permanent.
We have sank to the level where Christian marriage is regarded just like any contract. That is why there are many divorces. If I gave you a contract, I can also cancel the contract. So you have to make up your mind, did you enter into a covenant or a contract? It is a mutual, solemn, binding covenant between God, woman and man. So in a Christian marriage, it is not between a man and a woman, it is between a man, a woman and God. That is what He is saying in Malachi. He was a witness to the relationship you entered into.
Day 4
Genesis 2:24
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh
Next, a Christian marriage is an exclusive union
Mark 10:7 s is quotation of Genesis 2:24. Please notice in that verse there are three things expected a Biblical marriage. First is a man shall leave in order to start his marriage. I guess the woman is not mentioned because it is obviously assumed she leaves to go into marriage. That is a very weighty statement. In a Christian marriage, the man and the woman have left their previous homes. It is an exclusive union. You must leave in order to cleave. Therefore, in a Christian marriage you must redefine all previous relationships. That includes parents. That is why I am telling you, a Kikuyu marriage and a Christian marriage are so different. In a kikuyu or African marriage, a man does not leave; a girl who comes to the home of the parents of the boy.
In fact, in the traditional Kikuyu home, they built a hut behind the mother’s hut, for the new couple. Because of that you needed to come for an itara ceremony before the wedding day. Itara ceremony is a day when the girl came to be shown itara …where the dry firewood can be found to make fire. You know an itara? I grew up in a hut where you put the firewood in shelf like structure, directly above the fireplace at the middle of the hut. That way the smoke going up dries the wet firewood. Now, in town, we do not have anything like that .we have no itara in town yet I have seen town Christian homes where girls are coming for an itara ceremony. Instead of the boy leaving the ceremony is contradicting the scriptures by implying that the girl will come to the home of the mother of the boy... It is a Kikuyu custom but it is not a biblical one.
To the Bible, for you to get married you must leave your parents home. I am in shock because when I got married in the 1970s, which is nearer the days before Christianity was accepted in Kenya, we could not do such things. But now I am seeing my own generation, my own friends, and we have been saved for more than thirty years, trying to recover the traditions that we skipped by telling the boy to come to our house for itara. The Bible is saying, if your daughter or your son is getting into a Christian marriage, he must leave you and set up a new home. He must leave father and mother.So when I am seeing us go back to traditions that contradict the scriptures, yet our parents who were first generation Christians did not require us to do them, I wonder how they could have known the scriptures more than us yet not even as educated as us.
The Bible is saying Christian marriage is not a clan affair but an exclusive union.
Your parents cannot be a part of it. They must be left out. Of course, that also includes your sisters, your brothers, and your friends. The Bible emphasized the biggest danger to a marriage, it is not just those girls who wanted to marry you but your own mother and your own father who might find it difficult to release you. Therefore, it put it categorically. For you to enter into a Christian marriage, you must of all say no to your own mother’s involvement.
Moreover, why do we say no to involvement of a mother who loves dearly? Why does the Bible really put it that way? I can tell you men have an attachment to their mothers. Mine died just the other day and I felt the loss greatly. There is something between a boy and the mother that is deep. Such that I am around sixty, my mother was in her eighties, but there was such a tight relationship that I need to guard against possibility of it affecting my marriage. Ladies hear me… the hardest thing to ask a man to decide on is if there is quarrel between the two powerful women in every man’s life; a wife and a mother. In addition, I can tell you traditionally a mother is normally even more powerful than a wife is.
So much of what we mistake for in-law problems is not in-law problems, it is a man who is still holding onto the mother’s skirt. He never obeyed the scriptures and so he never left. Just wait until you are in town and the mother from the village visits. During her visit there is likely a strained relationship in that home. When the husband arrives home he is on edge as to how the mother was treated .He comes home and says, did you feed my mother? The reason why when a mother visits, there is trouble in your home, is because your husband has never fully left. He is still the mother’s boy.
In Kikuyu customs, when you marry a wife, she is not as important as your mother. In fact the Kikuyu name for a woman is mundumuka(one who came), she came, she is not fully a part of the home. So if your wife quarrels with your mother and the two cannot see eye to eye, who leaves? In Kikuyu customs it is obvious who leaves...the new comer. You then get a refund of the goats that bought her. There is no problem. So your wife knows that although she came to this home, she must treat your mother carefully because if they quarrel, she is going to be the loser?
However, you know that is Kikuyu. The Bible message is totally different. If you do not like Old Testament, read it in Mark 10. It says, for you to enter into a Christian marriage, your mother must be left out of the marriage. So when your mother and your wife quarrel, according to Mark 10:7 who leaves? The one who was visiting...the mother .You with utmost respect must tell your mother: You are visiting, go back to your husband. Therefore, to the scriptures, it is clear, when your mother and your wife quarrel, your mother leaves. Nevertheless, in Kikuyu, when your mother and your wife quarrel, who leaves? Your wife.
In a given situation if you have a Christian marriage you act one way; if you are in Kikuyu marriage, you act a different way. A Christian marriage and a Kikuyu marriage are so different that they have no relationship. Some of the things we are doing in weddings are very interesting. I actually watch pastors during weddings. Pastors enjoy reading Genesis 2:24. They say, for this reason a man shall leave. Then immediately he calls the bride and he calls the mother of the boy. And he says, you have now left your mother care, let me show you your new mother who will take care for you. That is contradicting the Bible, and he has just read it. Sometimes I feel like laughing. You read a verse, and then you contradict it immediately? This girl is not leaving her mother to be under another mother. She is leaving her mother to join her husband. However, because we are so Kikuyu in our worldview, even the pastor contradicts the Bible in the open and nobody corrects him. You know, you cannot be biblically minded and tell the girl she has left her mother’s supervision to join another mother’s supervision. The boy must leave and the girl must leave. Both parents from either side will now be visiting the new home. Therefore, both the boy’s parents and the girl’s parents will be minus a child in their respective homes.they have both been left by their children.
Your husband’s father is not to control you, your husband’s mother is not control you. You are now a different home. When they visit you, they are visitors. In addition, a lot of the in-law problems are based on this verse. Christian marriage is an exclusive union; where even the boy’s mother has no power, she is only a visitor. The other day I was talking to a widow. In addition, I said, ‘how is it since your husband died?’ And she said, ‘God is with us, but I am having a trouble with my own son’. The boy talked with the uncles and he was sent by the uncles to get all titles from the mother. Therefore, she said, ‘my son came to me and said, ‘you must give me all titles. They were not yours. You are not part of our home. If they were my father’s, they are now mine and my uncles’. She was in shock. Because this boy is supposed to have been brought up in a Christian way, but it has entered in his mind that the titles are in the wrong house because the mother is a visitor. . The boy is saying, ‘I belong, you are a visitor’. Moreover, he is telling his own mother. By the way he is not a step-son, I am talking her blood, born by that woman. I actually sympathized with him because the theology in the boy is traditional theology, he does not understand the Bible. My sister, can you imagine your own son calling you a stranger in the very home you have brought him up? That your things belong to him and his uncles? It all comes from wrong teaching, where you don’t understand that in a Christian marriage the pastor must not marry you until you have read Gen 2:24 and agreed to leave. If you are not yet ready to leave your father, you are not ready for marriage.
Now, do you know a lot of the problems we are involved in marital counseling come from wrong teaching. With traditional teaching, she never becomes a part of that home. His brothers come and they can order her around, ‘bring that thing; it is my brother’s thing!’ The brother does not understand that he is a visitor to the new home of his brother and his wife. The mother comes, she is ordering, ‘how are you feeding my son?’ .The son left. He now belongs to a new home, isn’t it?
So Christian marriage is an exclusive union where the man has left his parents, and the girl has left her parents. That does not mean he does not honor them. Honoring them is God’s command. All people must honour their father and their mother.
Day 5
Genesis 2:24
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh
Christian marriage is also a voluntary union
It is not a forced one. It means you leave voluntarily. In addition, you know the same thing is seen with Rebecca and Isaac in Genesis 24. Finally the girl is called and she is asked, ‘do you agree to leave and go with this man? The girl was asked for permission. What I am saying, Christian marriage is a voluntary union, not a compulsory union. Of course, if the girl gets pregnant before the wedding, then obviously things change. Because if you marry a girl because she is pregnant, is that voluntary one? You have married her because she is pregnant and you do not want your child to suffer. That’s why we keep telling young people, be careful. Do not touch the girl until the wedding day. Why? If she gets pregnant, you do not have much of a choice. That is a compulsory union. However, in an ideal Christian marriage, you marry her if she and you are willing. Even on the final day the pastor gives you a choice to pull out, isn’t it? It is a voluntary union. You marry willingly.
Day 6
Genesis2
23 The man said,
‘This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called “woman”,
for she was taken out of man.’
Next, a Christian marriage begins openly.
For this reason, a man shall leave. That means he is leaving openly, isn’t it? Not hiding; through the maize garden. That is why we have weddings. That is why in a Christian marriage ... you openly leave and the parents are clear you have left. Hence you must have a wedding. Come we stay is not a Christian marriage. You must openly leave. The father must not wonder, if the women he saw in your house is just a friend or a wife? No. You must openly leave. For this reason, a man shall leave the father and mother. That means you must openly leave and tell your father, this girl is the girl I want to marry. Also marriage must come after a wedding, not the other way round. The wedding is not after a marriage, the wedding must before a marriage. It must be an open stand if it is a Christian marriage.
Day 7
Genesis 2:25
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame
A Christian marriage has transparency
Genesis 2:25…it is a marriage where the two can be completely naked before each other and feel no shame. In a Christian marriage, there is transparency. In a Christian marriage, the two are both naked and they feel no shame. So to actually be entering into a marriage and there something that is not transparent, some important information is hidden from the partner…that is not a Christian marriage.
The other day I was speaking in a marriage seminar in the rural area and somebody asked me, but surely, that cannot happen.
You cannot tell your wife everything. The scripture is saying…they are both naked and feel no shame. You know, you are supposed to be naked in your bedroom, not naked in you sitting room. Are we together? That means only a wife and a husband can be truly naked to each other. You are not being asked to be naked outside your bedroom. Nevertheless, for you to be covering yourself in your locked bedroom where you are just the two of you…, there is something wrong.
However, it is not just physical nakedness required; it is also psychological nakedness, where you share everything. You know, the idea of marrying someone and then later you are discovering some important information he hid, is totally non-Christian. There shouldn’t be something important about your husband that you do not know about. And you know the law of Kenya recognizes that. Now, the law in Kenya says that we cannot force Mrs. Mbare to witness against Mr.Mbare. Why? Because you and your wife are supposed, to be so one that to be required to testify against your spouse is like telling you to incriminate yourself. You are not supposed to be forced to say something that will incriminate you. In addition, your wife and you are the same. Therefore, your wife cannot be called in a court of law to testify against you because it is like telling you to testify against yourself. That is the law of the country. The law recognizes that there must be transparency between a husband and a wife. So it will be unfair for the prosecution to use your wife against you as a witness.
However, it did not originate from country law; it is from the Bible. If there is nothing I know that my wife is not expected to know, it will strain the relationship. She should not be hearing things from other people. Remember we are describing a Christian marriage. It is strange that you will tell your colleague something and you have not told your wife. Everything you know your wife must also know. If it is a Christian marriage, it is a transparent union. You know, if you are not really willing to be transparent, then you are not willing to have a covenant as we saw earlier.
Let me go back to my rural area story. when I shared this, they said, aaaiii, it is not possible. You cannot tell your wife everything. One mzee said, ‘but surely, even Abraham never told Sarah his intention when he went to sacrifice Isaac?’ .He wanted to use the Bible to correct me... I was taken aback. I was in real trouble. That tells you the person had read the Bible. I asked is it true he never told her? Please show me the verse you are using. I discovered he did not have a verse. There is nowhere in the Bible which says that Sarah never knew that Isaac was being sacrificed. Although it does not tell us she knew, it does tell us she did not know either. ‘you don’t understand women’, the old man went on. ‘If you tell your wife your salary, the whole village will know’. So I asked him, did you marry a child for a wife? The Bible told us you are not supposed to marry a child, you are supposed to marry a grown woman, a wife.
Therefore, if you married a child, it was a mistake. A Christian wife must be mature, mature enough to know what to tell the villagers and what not to tell the villagers. The mzee(old man) sat down. You see, in Kikuyu customs women are not supposed to be told everything, because they are assumed not to be quite mature. In fact the Kikuyu saying is, gia atumia na ihii, Gitikagio kiarara. In other words to a Kikuyu, a woman and an uncircumcised boy are in the same level…they cannot be believed except over time.
But not Christians wives. So you must not equate your wife with a kihii (small boy). You married her because she is mature. If you married a child, you broke the law. The scriptures do not allow you to marry a child. She must be old enough to know what to share; and what not to share. Marry her when she is old enough so that you can share everything with her and she will not go telling everyone.
Thus, a Christian marriage is a transparent relationship.
Let us pray that the Lord Jesus, in his own way will show us the biblical standards of marriage so that we can check if it meets the standards we are keeping or do we have a marriage that is cultural rather than Christian.
About John N. N. Ng'ang'a
John N. N. Ng'ang'a runs a constultancy firm: TARUMA CONSULTANCY LTD. He sits on the boards of various organizations and companies and is also a writer.