Day 1

Proverbs 27:9

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice

 We are discussing parenting parents of your grandchildren. And the most important thing you can help such children to do is to know themselves. And whereas when they are young you ‘tell’ them, in adulthood, the most important thing is advise them. Help them to understand themselves, know their gifts, weaknesses, and how to use their gifts profitably. Also how to use, and manage their weaknesses is critical. That is the most important thing of all the things I am going to say.

I want to read Numbers chapter fourteen, talking about how to define an adult. Numbers 14:29.

 

²⁹ In this wilderness your bodies will fall—every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census and who has grumbled against me

 

That is God talking.

Then Verse thirty:

 

³⁰ Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun

 

³¹ As for your children that you said would be taken as plunder, I will bring them in to enjoy the land you have rejected

 

Now, clearly you can see how the Bible defines who a child is. A child is somebody below twenty years. Therefore, when we talk about adult children we are not talking about teenagers. According to the Bible, we are talking about people who are above it. And my agemates are aware that when we went to the university, anybody who was twenty-one and above were regarded as adults. But people who were below, they needed their parents to sign certain papers as first years in the university. But those of us who were twenty-one and above were regarded as adults. Of course, in later in 1974, Jomo Kenyatta changed the rule and called eighteen-year-old adults. But in the British Commonwealth and in the colonial era, you were not regarded as an adult before 21. They seem to have followed the Bible’s idea that you have to be twenty-one and above for you to be regarded as an adult.

And so, you need to understand that according to God, if you are an adult, even if your parents advise you to do wrong, your parents will not be held accountable. You will bear the consequences of your own decisions. But the children, people below twenty, although they may also have grumbled against God, God did not hold them accountable, He held their parents accountable. And that is a very, very important theological issue we need to deal with. That God does not hold us accountable for what our adult children do… They have a right to make decisions; and they can make wrong decisions, or good decision. You will neither get credit for your children’s good decisions; nor will you be blamed for your adult children’s wrong decisions. That is my understanding of this passage.

And God is saying, if you were nineteen years, eleven months, twenty-nine days, by the time the grumbling happened and they refused to enter Canaan, your parents are the ones who were held responsible. But if you were twenty years and one day, if you refused to go to Canaan, God is holding you accountable and because of that you will die in the desert. And that needs to be understood because it is a very, very important realization.

If that be true then, it means that when later in the New Testament, both Titus and Timothy are talking about Elders being held responsible for unruly children. Paul is speaking about families. They are told that, an Elder must not have unruly children. In other words, you do not qualify to be an Elder, or a Pastor, or a Bishop, or a church leader if your children are unruly. But theses must be children under twenty for whom you are still paying school fees. But you cannot be removed from your ministry if your adult children have deliberately chosen not to follow the Lord. You can continue ministering irrespective of whether your adult children follow the Lord or not.

 

Day 2

Daniel 4:27

Therefore, Your Majesty, be pleased to accept my advice: R: renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue.”

 

When we discover our adult children are not following the ways of the Lord we can only talk to them about it which Eli the priest seems to have failed. If we are still strong physically, we spiritually have something to share, we cannot stop ministering because our adult children are not living right. I think that is not theologically right. The parents that are being held accountable for their children ifare still paying school fees for them and therefore still have some control over them. When they become adults, God holds them accountable. The church should also hold them accountable for their decisions not the parents.

But then something else follows. What it means is, the Bible was right in Exodus chapter twenty when it did not say, children obey your parents. What does it say in the Ten Commandments? It says, honour your father and your mother. Honour is the word. It does not say obey. There is no requirement for adult children to obey you. The commandment is clear. And you know the Bible says what it means and means what it says. When in the New Testament in the Ephesians it is addressing children, it says, children obey your parents. But in the Ten Commandments, since it is addressed to all of us old and young, we must all honour our living parents. If you are seventy and your parents is ninety-five, the Bible still requires you to honour those parents in their nineties. You must not be disrespectful to them. But obeying them is not required. They may even be senile. God still expects you to honour them. However, if they ask you to come to do a ceremony to honour the dead ancestors you do not go. My friend, if you are seventy and you say it is your parents who told you to be involved in a sacrifice, you are not obeying the scriptures. The scriptures expect you to honour them, not to obey them. But similarly, your children who are forty years when you are seventy are not expected to be obeying you but they are expected to honour you. But parents can advise.

And one of the things I have learnt when I was working for Shell as a manager, compared to now as a consultant is the difference between a manager and a consultant. If I gave instructions, they failed to obey me at their own risk, because I had authority. I had authority from my superiors. But you know after I retired, I started a consultancy firm. And I have done consultancy for many organizations. One of them is I still remember is one who paid for me to go to another Country to do some work for them. They paid my flight, paid my hotel bills. I did the work there, and then I came and gave them, the report. They paid me the dues that we had agreed. But I wondered; did they implement the recommendations for which they had paid? So, I called one of the managers and he said, no, no, no. Mr. Ng’ang’a, leave that to us. We paid you. Mr. Ng’ang’a did we pay you? Of course, they paid me. I got embarrassed. I discovered as a consultant my job is to advise. As to whether my advice is followed or not, that responsibility is left with the people to execute or refuse to execute my advice. I will not be held accountable for what happens in that company, neither will I get credit for them doing well. But I advise.

That is your role as a Parent of an adult child. Your work is to be advisor. Before they are adults you instruct them, but after they are adults you advise them. And as we are talking about parenting, the parenting changes in a big way as your child grows. From parenting children to parenting adults, it changes. Again, let me repeat myself; when you are parenting children you instruct them. They are supposed to obey you. When you are parenting adults, you advise them. And the difference between instructions and advise is, advise can be taken or rejected with them not reverting back to you. They may not even update you. But instructions must be obeyed. It is the responsibility of the one who gave instructions to follow up to see that the instructions are actually followed.

Therefore, honour your old parents however weak and evil they might be. Your adult children are in turn to honour you, not to obey you. And you now become an advisor. And that is a very basic thing in what I am saying. However, having said that, you need to understand whether you are ninety-five and your children are seventy, you still are a parent and you still must be taken seriously. Like my wife likes mentioning, one of the things that you will never stop doing is praying for them. You prayed for them as babies, now they themselves have become fathers but still need your prayers. If the Lord gives you time, some of your children will become grandparents themselves. Even up to there, you are still held responsible to advise them, you are held responsible to pray for them. And that should never stop at any time.

Isn’t that the message of Malachi 2:15; answering the question why God brings us in marriage? Has not the Lord made them one? That is husband and wife. In flesh and spirit, they are his. And why one? Because He was seeking a godly offspring. So, guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. Even if both of you are in your seventy, you must continue caring for each other and parenting. Why are you not to break faith with each other? Why must a couple remain together even in old age? So that they can give a united advice to their adult children. When you reach a level where your children are managing you, they come and tell the wife one thing, they tell the husband another thing, then they get one advise from the wife, another advise from the husband. And you are creating confusion in your married children’s marriages because what the husband is saying is not what the wife is saying. God is saying, no, no, no to such behaviour of an old couple. You must be one. You must remain one even in old age. Why? Because you need to produce godly offspring, godly grandchildren, godly great grandchildren. And that will not happen when the two of you differ in old age, you are grandparents or great grandparents, and you are causing confusion by giving differing advice.

 

Why can’t you tell your son, let me consult your mother first, I will come back to you. If you do not do that, they start playing games on yourself. You advise your son a good thing and they say, but that is not mum’s opinion. So, they start playing games. And they could even bring a breakage of your own marriage. Children are breaking the marriages of their parents if you allow them and make them your marital counsellors. It can be quite a problem.

But I wanted you to understand our satisfaction in old age is not just getting grandchildren, it is in the fact that they are walking with the Lord. The most important thing is the Christian walk. That is what you are after, because that is the responsibility given in Malachi chapter two. It is to help them know God. So even adult children, your interest will be, are they listening to God? Are they walking with him? What should satisfy you is not that you have a clever grandchild, it is that you have godly grandchildren, whether they are biologically yours or not yours. So, it is ministry. Parenting is a ministry. You know, children help us multiply disciples. Just look at this in 2 Timothy 2. And the things you have heard me say, pass them to trustworthy people. This is now Paul talking. May be to you as parents, you are the first generation, you are the one who now knows the Lord, pass it in the presence of many witnesses, second generation, then entrust to reliable people, third generation, who will also be qualified to teach others, now fourth generation. You need to find a way of passing on the information even in your adult children. Your joy is to see your adult children ministering the gospel just like you. And I think what I am hearing Paul tell us is that your desire should be that your adult children will be trustworthy men and women who pass on the message.

That is what should bother you. Whether they are rich, or poor should concern you, but the more important thing is, can they be trusted? That is what you are supposed to have equipped them for. Godly offspring means people who are trustworthy. Number two, it also means people who possess knowledge of God and his people. So, you give them ideas to help in this. You give them information that allows them to get this knowledge. Number three, godly offspring mean people with the power of communicating knowledge to others. They have the ability of not being selfish but instead that the information they share it with others.

 

Day 3

Proverbs 19:20

Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise

 

So, in the process you can say they are using the gifts God has given them to discharge their duties as God’s instruments on earth; to hand down the gospel which you shared with them and impart to their children and to other people around them. So may they be men or women, these adult children of yours, are able as well as willing to impact others. Because some people are able but not willing. They have gospel but are not willing to share it. Some of them are gifted but they are not zealous for the things of God. So my prayer is that your church will be this, which is the charge Paul gave to Timothy in 2 Timothy 4. What is the charge? Preach the Word when they are small babies. preach the Word when they become toddlers, preach the Word when they are teenagers, preach the Word even when they are parents themselves or grandparents. I think that is my understanding of the idea to preach the Word in season and out of season.

So, do not stop encouraging your children to love the Lord even when they become grandfathers themselves. The better season to do so was when they were young. Maybe you failed. Now it is out of season but continue sharing God’s Word to them. Also, you must take it as your responsibility to correct them. I agree you are only advising them, but if you can see them going the wrong way, you do not say after all Brother Ng’ang’a said they are adults. They are, yes, but even among your brothers, children of your mother, your siblings, you normally correct each other. Why would you allow your son to go the wrong way without daring to confront him? Tell him, Son, the way you are going is not right. The charge Timothy was given is, it is your responsibility to correct people. And sometimes it is not just correcting. You start rebuking them. Tell them if you go on like that you are going to hell. That is a rebuke.

But sometimes the best thing that works for that age is encouraging them. That means you see them doing something good, tell them, your father is so excited. I am so excited that this is the kind of privilege God gave me to be the father of somebody like this. You must encourage them by affirming them. But to do so especially when you are dealing with adult children, the critical thing is the fruit of the Spirit called patience, because you see if children you could beat them up, you could discipline them. What do you do with erring adults? You say the same thing, you repeat the same thing, and they are not changing. Patience. Do not give up. And care for them in every way will be your way.

You know, adult parenting is simply modelling. That is the best thing we can say. It is simply modelling. And I think of four dimensions of this modelling. First, by how you live your life. Look at the way you respond to problems and challenges. That is the thing that will help him. You are modelling for him how to handle problems and challenges. How do you behave when their mother embarrasses you and you react as a father? Your son can see how to handle his wife because he has seen how you do not clobber his mother despite provocation. He says, yeah, that is the way to be a man. Since we have learnt you do not have the power to instruct, modelling is what will help because he still respects you as a father, he still admires you as a father. So, what you do influences him. So, you parent by the way you respond to problems, the way you respond to challenges. And I do not know what challenges will come your way. Maybe you are financially having challenges and you have become a beggar. Are you teaching him not to live within his means? Or how to begfrom his siblings, and from you? How are you handling the issues that you are going through?

Remember whatever you do is a way of parenting your adult children because they are old enough to interpret or read between the lines. Number two, how you influence others to your point of view matters. Do you throw a tantrum because you have disagreed, or do you find a way of encouraging others? Or do so softly until the people you are dealing with have seen your point of view? If they think that banging tables is what works, you are modelling that. The way to influence is to bang tables they now know. How do you get people to see that your point of view is better than others? How you do it, especially when you are dealing with those children, is a way of modelling.

 

Day 4

Proverbs 12:15

The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice

 

Thirdly, how you respond to the environment. Things are moving very fast, things are changing, the economy is changing and modernity is global. We have now young people who are adults in the University where he teaches; who were born after the mobiles came. My first mobile I got I think in 1997 or 1998. Of course, it was not mine, it belonged to my employer. So, I have had a mobile and the same line which I got in 1997/1998, it is still the line I am using. I have had it for about quarter of a century. That shows you there are people who are adults, but they cannot remember a time there was no mobile. Now, the question is, how are you behaving as changes come? It will be a way of modelling. How do you deal with the environment?

And finally, how do you respond to rules and procedures set by others? Not too long ago I was told of this guy, a friend of mine, who was going to Mombasa because that is where he stays. He was given a lift by another couple that we both know. When they reached along the way they were stopped by the police and there were some adult children in the vehicle. So, the father who was driving came out, to talk to the police. After the father moved out of the car, one of the adult children said, baba ni mukora, niekumahaka. in English, our father is such a crook. You know he is going to bribe them.

Your children can see how you deal with rules. Sometimes I have gone to homes where the father gives the keys of his car to the underage son, then tells him, go to the nearest shop because you do not want to meet the police. Why? Because the guy is underage and is being given car keys. How did he learn how to drive when he could not get a provisional license? You are not allowed to drive unless you have a provisional license, and you cannot get a provisional license unless you have an ID and hence over 18. These are Christian parents teaching the children to know that rules do not matter, rules are there to be broken, the government is useless and thus contradicting Romans chapter thirteen.

Therefore, you need to understand the way you react to rules and procedures is a way of modelling to your adult children. They can watch you. My brother, my sister you are a good example if you are conducting your life in a complete agreement with family held set of values and principles. You taught your children the Bible. They therefore learnt Bible values. But then they watch you and realize the way you live your life is not similar to what you say. It is not similar to the things you taught them. You need to ensure that you apply your values in every area of your life, in your personal private life. Adult children can see clearly, can see through you. Also, in the way you relate with the family they can see but also, they can relate.

They watch as you run your business and if employed which is rare for grandfathers, most of us are not employed, will set an example for them. How you run your business or your affairs matters. Even socially, how you tackle your social issues matters. In all those things, watch out. Since we now realize adult children are watching, have integrity in every area. In other words, have a consistent application of your values or ethical behaviour.

So, what we are saying is ethical overall. That is the most important way of dealing with adult children. If you are ethical then do no harm to others. They are watching. Treat others appropriately because they are watching. A lot of us treat our children very well but treat their Cousins badly or treat the uncles badly. You need to concern yourself with what is good or right in human interaction. They are watching.

You need to understand that if you are really going to set a good model, it involves three central concepts: self, how you are dealing and being good even to others. Are you in agreement with two basic principles? You do no harm, and you treat each other appropriately with respect, dignity? The way you treat others show an understanding of how we should operate in the society and even in the workplace.

Our role must be to make our ceiling that is the ground floor of the next generation. That is what we are trying to do as parents. We want them to be better than us. Do not try to show them like they have reached the top. Keep encouraging them to be better than you.

 

Day 5

Proverbs 13:22

²² A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children, but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.

 

Basically, that is what you should be trying to do, with God’s help. To have an income that you can bequeath your children whom you have taught to work hard and therefore they will end up at a higher income level than you. Far too often we think of inheritance only in terms of the wealth we will leave behind them when we die. But you see somebody has said you should be more concerned about what you leave in them than what you leave for them, but both of them matter.

You know what we are saying is, children need fathers and mothers, whatever age they are. If you are fifty, if your father is alive, you should still be spending time with them. Boys need to know how even old men behave. Daughters need to know how men behave. That is why you should also be involved in succession planning. What is it you expect people to do after you are gone? Do you leave them skills for it? A lot of time we are blaming our children for the way they misuse the property after the parents left but then your life you never involved them.

So, you need to create time to spend with them even in your old age. Create time to visit them and let them visit you. I hope you have a family, not just individuals. Vision and mission? Let them understand what you are trying to achieve and that you are aligned what you do to achieve whatever that mission is. In the process they will also come up with a mission and vision and seek to fulfil it. You then align your mentoring of these people with their vision they have. How do you influence that? It may be as simple as having a coffee or breakfast together regularly. Why can’t you tell your adult children, I am buying you tea once a month. And just to eat breakfast. No topic, just to eat together.

Many of the things that change life are things that are not said in a formal meeting. He might ask you; how did you deal with the death of your father? By the way you are able to wake up that early? I thought old people sleep late. How you reply it is helping him to prepare for life. So, we are not talking about very complicated things. We are saying, simply be available. Try to meet regularly. You can say, can we meet once a week, or can we meet once monthly? Maybe they are somewhere far. So, can we meet once a quarter? And these days Zoom has come, and Google Meet has come, it means even if they are living in America, you can see each other as you talk regularly. Create regular meetings. Explain that your purpose is in this meeting to encourage growth in Christ. Let them know your biggest interest. And also tell them the reason you are meeting is to be their sounding board. You have a new idea. Just tell me. And I will advise you but my advice does not hold you to act in a certain way. Take my advice, and then look at some of the advice others have including, read books. Whatever decision you make I am ok with it except if it is disobeying God.

Therefore, you are seeking to mentor these adults in four ways. You are seeking to influence in four ways. As a Mentor to your adult children. What is to be a Mentor? It is to be a friend who knows more and therefore the Mentee learns from. But sometimes be a Coach. A Coach is different from a Mentor. A Coach does not even have to be a friend. A coach is somebody who tells the person how to go through things and demonstrates them. Although he does not become, he does not have to develop a friendship. But sometimes you are a Sponsor. You are the one who tells him, by the way go to my friend Ng’ang’a who knows about this. I am going to book him for you. That way you are sponsoring him. When you arrive there tell him, I sent you. And you are setting an example in the process that is if you really want to be an influence for his improvement.

Nobody wants to be with somebody who criticizes continuously. Every time you meet, he says there is something wrong with you. Fathers say, You do not seem to know, Didn’t you learn when you were in my home? Appreciate the people instead of always criticizing. One of the most powerful things is appreciating. This is because children like to be appreciated. And when the mother and the father are the ones saying, well done, that is even if your child is at times a crook, it impacts. There must be something good they have done at times. You research it and let them know. Get to know something good in that crooked son that is being done and point it out. I am proud of you my daughter or son. Look at what you have done. Oh I am so proud of you, my son. Look at what you have done. That is appreciating them. That will make them know you care , and even keep coming to you, updating you on the things they are doing, because they want to be appreciated, they want to be affirmed.

The most important source of influence is friendship. Nurturing friendship with your adult children is your biggest responsibility. Since you now can’t give them instructions, note that nobody wants to receive advice from somebody who is not a friend. The only way they can come to you for advice, the only way you can become their bouncing board is if they know you are a friend.

Who is a friend? A friend is a person interested in your welfare. You cannot be my friend if I think you are my enemy, you want to bring me down. So, you need to find a way of getting to where your children see you as a friend. They do not just see you as a father, they do not just see you as a boss, they see you as a friend. You need to understand that your son is your son, you can even use a DNA test to prove it, but that does not make him a friend. Friendship is a different topic altogether from being a parent.

You know, if people are friends, they admit their need. That is why I am telling you your son will admit where he needs help if you are his friend. But you similarly must be frank enough with the son to say where you need help. It is not one-way traffic. Friendship is give and take. And you need to come to where when you need help you call your son, and you will be very proud to be helped by him. Friends can help each other make it through whatever difficulty. And that is what your son needs to be assured of.

 

Day 6

Exodus 18:19

Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him

 

Jethro was friendly advisor to his son in law Moses. Each child should be your friend separately. Do not deal with them as a group. When they are adults you do not say my children, you say my child. Each child must see that you appreciate them separately. They are very different from their brother, their brother has made it, he is a CEO somewhere. For them they never made it. But they need to realize that you are not looking for them becoming a CEO. You are happy with them the way they are. And therefore, in the process when you befriend them separately it will be very important.

However, when it is adult children, you must not befriend your son if you cannot befriend his wife. Because the moment the wife takes you as an enemy, anything you say when she is told, she will undo whatever you told your son or daughter. You must seek to deal with them as a couple. The Bible says the two shall become one. So, your children have become one. I do not agree with people who call their son-in-law, son-in-love. That is a joke or a meaningless statement. Your in-law daughter, your daughter-in-law will never be like your son. You can remember your son in his nappies. You understand him. When your son says something you even understand him. That is his language. When your daughter-in-law says something, you think is rude, you just have to forgive them but you do not understand them. You wonder whether the parents brought them up well? But for you child it is understandable. Similarly, your son will easily forgive or understand you. That is why it is very important to understand that you must treat both of them as friends but, do not be too daring with your in-laws because they could also easily misunderstand you. After all you met them as adults.

However,, this friendship I am talking about is a friendship of the couple if they are married rather than you take away your son from his marriage. I just want to meet my son. Give us time, give us time. Remember they are one. If they are one, it will be important for you to understand that you may be the cause of their separation.

Why is friendship with anybody, including your children, so, so difficult? Number one, because it is voluntary, with power tilted to the target of your friendship. Can you imagine that? Your son is more powerful as you seek to befriend him. If you, you are the one who have chosen to befriend him, unless he turns round and agrees to accept your friendship, power is tilted towards him for that decision. You cannot force friendship. He has to make a choice whether to retain you as a friend. But you remain a father. It is the same thing of course with your wife. Your wife is your wife, you can prove it with a marriage certificate but friendship? She has to choose whether to be a friend or not. Your son has to choose whether to be a friend or not. And that is what makes friendship so difficult, the fact that it cannot be forced, it is voluntary.

And you need to be aware that your children need befriending. You have to spend time, the same way you befriend their mother. Maybe same way you befriend your son.

The other problem with friendship is that it is not permanent. The fact that you were friends when you were growing up, you may not be friends now when they are adults. The fact that you were friends last year does not mean you are friends today. I wish it was something you would just turn on. Friendship is not permanent. You have to continue befriending all the days of your life. It has no retirement date. It is not permanent. And that means if you really want to parent adults well, you have to keep at it. The things I was talking about earlier are for life. Have them. It is not permanent. So, your yesterday’s friends could be your today’s enemies. You have to really work at it.

I have written a book called friendship. If you are interested in this topic, you should look at it. And I keep arguing because of this idea of friendship not being permanent, many friends become enemies over time without realizing. There is no in between. If somebody is a great friend, the moment they stop being friends, they have become great enemies. If somebody is just an acquaintance, then they potentially can only become very low-level enemies. It means that if you do not want your son to become your enemy, it will be important that you continue this friendship effort for all the days of your life.

Thirdly, the trouble with friendship, is that it requires a lot of investment in scarce time for it to last. You are already busy with other people. And now I am telling you to befriend each of your children? If you have ten of them, it is going to be quite a thing. But it means it is an investment you must make. If you are not willing to invest, it will be very difficult to retain the friendship.

And issue number four about friendship, it is the only solution for loneliness. If you befriend me, I also I am going to be a solution to you because I will remove your loneliness. So, it is difficult in a large church to cure loneliness. For example, it is difficult in a large family to deal with loneliness. The way to sort out your old age loneliness is to befriend them. Of course, some of these problems may be caused by the fact that one of us as a couple dies before the other. You need to start treating your children as adult friends and do not keep talking down to them.

 

And it will mean that even in your old age, you are laughing with them, you are enjoying each other’s company, you will have dealt with loneliness.

But you know friendship is only possible where there is love but you can love people who may not be necessarily your friends. But you must have friends’ love. John 15:13 says, greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. So, you must be willing to sacrifice yourself if you really want friendship with your children. I could go on, like I have told you, I have written a whole book on it. I have also covered the issue of models that our children can emulate.

Teach your son how to meet standards by regularly communicating key messages about operating with integrity. Hold everyone accountable to ethical behaviour. Tell him when he is wrong and enforce the family policies consistently without favour. Encourage open and honest communication all the time with your adult children. Create an environment that encourages questions and discussions at all levels of this family.

In other words, let them know they can question what you have said. They ask you, why are you telling me that? I said it is not an answer that encourages openness. That is not a good answer to an adult child. You must have a reasoned way of telling him why you are giving that advice. Encourage children to raise issues and concerns with you. Let them tell you what they do not agree with and why. Since they are also advising you, not instructing you, it does not meant whatever your children tell you to do, you do. But they must know they have been listened to.

Let them know you want to hear about problems in the workplace, whatever it is wherever they are. Support your children to raise issues. You know 1 Corinthians 4:15 says, in Christ Jesus I became your father. And then in Titus 2:4 it is saying, older women must train the younger women. Become your children’s spiritual father. Let them know you are praying for them. Let them know they can withstand the trial. You go before God for them. That way they will share their struggles. And that will be important.

So please bequeath godly values to all of them. How did you learn those things yourself? They were taught to you; then teach them. They were modelled; model them. And you also need reinforcing mechanism of the things you said before. How do you continue helping them? By correcting them in a way that is not exasperating them. How did you imbibe those values?

What parents and teachers pay attention to, measure and control on regular basis matters to the learners. In other words, if you do not keep asking, how was church today? How is your Bible study going? It could easily be forgotten. How is your quiet time? Share yours. Say, your mother and I are now going through the book of Ezekiel. Is it? And these are the things we are learning. That will provoke them in order for them to value that. They know what matters to you.

How parents react to critical incidence and organization crisis models. Observe criteria used as parents allocate resources. That way you will know what matters. Deliberate role modelling, teaching, and coaching is what we are asking the parents to do. Observe criteria by which parents give rewards and status matters. If you reward one of the children for a certain thing they did, you are telling the other children that, that is something that matters. If you reward a crook, the other people know, what my father values is being a crook. A reward is a way of enhancing and embedding values.

Also observe criteria by which parents recruit for their projects. How do you recruit? How do you select? How do you promote? All that is a way of embedding values.

Also parenting in a way that will not cause our children to rebel is very important. If your household is run with respect and authoritativeness, you are likely to end up being an influence on your adult children with no rebellion. But if your family is run on injustice, being unfair, you are making decisions that anybody can tell they are being unfair, unfair to their mother or unfair to their siblings, they lose trust in you because they do not know whether today you are unfair to my sibling, tomorrow you will be unfair to me. Injustice causes rebellion. And sometimes this is what is called authoritarianism(despotism) as opposed to authoritativeness(credibility). Why do we do that? But your father said it. There is a big difference between being authoritative and being authoritarian. Authoritarian means you cannot be questioned. Authoritative means I am a respected authority on this matter, so my advice is worth considering. And they tell us that when a family is brought up in respect and authoritativeness, they do not find the reason to rebel because they know they can argue their case out. So why rebel?

How do you deal with adult rebellion? Parents should also do their best to instil a strong sense of self in these adults rather than focusing on their possible rebellion itself. Because once people are sure of themselves, they will explain their way rather than become rebellious. The rebellious child is one who must be helped to see that he is not in charge of the world. That maybe something that went wrong from the beginning. You need to point to them that God is the one in charge of the world and that He simply must do things in God’s way if they do not want suffering for the rest of their lives. Not the father’s ways or mother’s way, God’s way is best.

This requires parents to be absolutely convinced of this truth and to live accordingly. The parents must show that they are not the final arbiter; they are God’s subjects also. And if parents are pointing him to God, the child will start respecting God. A parent who is himself in rebellion against God will not be able to convince his child to be submissive to God. Rebellion will follow. Once it has been established that God is the one making the rules, the parents must establish in the child’s mind that they are God’s instruments themselves and even what they are saying, they are only repeating what God has said. An adult child feels he also knows and hence do not just use your knowledge.

 

Day 7

Proverbs 3

My son do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.

 

What do we do when we try our best and it does not seem to work? My friend, you must still love them. You must still try to understand them. There is nowhere else for your child to go for he remains your child. For example, adolescence rebellion begins as a result of desire for independence. Much rebellion is fashioned after peer models. So maybe your adult children the reason they are in rebellion is because they feel suffocated by your authority. The mother, the father are both trying to control them. Yet they regard themselves as adults. So that is why they are in rebellion. How do you deal with them then? By showing them, you respect their decisions, that you know them as adults who need some independence. Normal rebellion, though difficult to live with, is more praiseworthy than the desire for dependence. In other words, do not make them think that what the parents are after is dependence on them. That they cannot decide unless they come to consult you, and yet they are married. That way you tend to drive them to more rebellion.

So, if they are in rebellion, the thing to emphasize is that you recognize their independence. Normal rebellion needs to be understood as a natural desire to grow, although being sought after in an awkward and wrong manner. Tell them, I understand son, but please not this way you are going to burn yourself. It may not affect me but will certainly affect you badly. That way you do not contribute to growing maturity rebellion.

Normal young adult rebellion, that is increasing independence, should not only be expected by parents of adult children, but it is also even desirable. Let them do things their way if not dangerous. And one of the things that most of us parents of adults are going through is to see the father of your grandchildren decide which you know very well is wrong. You tell them, but they still go on with it. Show them that you respect their independence. However, if they are asking you to finance their wrong decision, tough love means you do not. You cannot have your adult children taking drugs and you are financing them.

James Dobson wrote a book called Love must be Tough. And he says in that book that it is not a sign of love if your loved one is going the wrong direction and you finance their wrong direction or support their going in the wrong direction. You must show them they have the right to make the wrong decisions but no at your expense. Tough love means you must confront them, you must tell them off, but you must do with a lot of love.

Let me finish with a self-assessment for us as parents of adult children. Your role as parents requires you to demonstrate ethical leadership. If you agree that is what you are supposed to do, you must, to help you assess your performance in this area please use these questions.

Ask yourself, do I set a good example for ethical behaviour on my family? Number two, if asked, would my spouse agree I do? because your spouse knows the truth. Number three, do I communicate my expectations clearly and consistently or I keep blaming people yet I never told them clearly in the first place what I expected. Number four, do I hold others to the same standards as I keep? Number five, do I openly talk about ethics and compliance? Number six, do I encourage children to ask questions and report concerns to me? Number seven, do I take children issues seriously and deal with them promptly or I seem not to care about what they care for? Number eight, do I thank children for coming forward with their concerns? Nine, do I follow up with children who report issues and provide feedback on the ultimate solution? Or they report something and after that it is forgotten? Number ten, do I protect children confidentiality? Or do they tell me something confidential then within no time you tell their wife arguing they are supposed to be one. They should be talking to each other. Do not become your sons mouthpiece.

I repeat the question; do I protect children confidentiality in sensitive matters that require investigation and make sure that other involved children do as well? A child should not think that every time they tell you something you will tell their brother. Number eleven, do I know when to escalate an issue to my spouse if they have shared with confidentiality? Do I understand what retaliation is? That, even if my child has done wrong to me, I do not retaliate? Do I understand that retaliation is a bad way of parenting? Do I help to ensure that it does not happen in a family? That I do not encourage retaliation? Do I consider ethics and compliance when evaluating my children? That is also something very important. Some have high output gotten unethically.

 

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